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The Ultimate Literary Cage Match: Hemingway vs. Faulkner vs. Trump

Who is the greatest American writer? In any such conversation, Ernest Hemingway and William Faulkner must be considered. And when discussing anything both great and American, Donald Trump — who has written more books than either aforementioned novelist and is perhaps the greatest American of all — obviously merits mention. But of the three, who is the greatest writer? The following comparison should move the discussion along:

Number of Books Written:
Hemingway: 15

Faulkner: 13

Trump: 18

Literary Influence:
Hemingway: Gertrude Stein

Faulkner: James Joyce

Trump: Scriptwriters for The A-Team, Airwolf

Often Compared To:
Hemingway: Joseph Conrad (Heart of Darkness)

Faulkner: Henry James (Daisy Miller)

Trump: Benito Mussolini (The Doctrine of Fascism)

Profound Quote:
Hemingway: “The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” — A Farewell to Arms

Faulkner: “Memory believes before knowing remembers.” — Light in August

Trump: “If you have laws that you don’t enforce, then you don’t have laws. This leads to lawlessness.” — Crippled America

On Love:
Hemingway: “You belong to me and all Paris belongs to me and I belong to this notebook and this pencil.” (A Moveable Feast)

Faulkner: “They say love dies between two people. That’s wrong. It doesn’t die. It just leaves you, goes away, if you aren’t good enough, worthy enough.” (“The Wild Palms”)

Trump: “There’s nothing more terrible than an ex-spouse with a ten-ton axe to grind, and no agreement on how your common property is to be divided.” (Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life)

Attitude Towards Women:
Hemingway: Troubling

Faulkner: Problematic

Trump: Medieval

Intractable Problem:
Hemingway: Depression

Faulkner: Alcoholism

Trump: Twitter

Memorable Film:
Hemingway: For Whom the Bell Tolls, starring Gary Cooper

Faulkner: Tomorrow, starring Robert Duvall

Trump: Cameo in Home Alone 2, starring Macaulay Culkin

Unifying Theme:
Hemingway: Life is a constant test of man’s will and fortitude.

Faulkner: We must confront the darkness that lurks within ourselves.

Trump: Donald Trump is like Scrooge McDuck, but with pants. Also, he hates himself.

Titles that Reference Thinking “BIG” While Assaulting Acquaintances and Business Associates:
Hemingway: 0

Faulkner: 0

Trump: 1 (Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life)

Muse:
Hemingway: Martha Gellhorn, fellow war correspondent

Faulkner: Meta Carpenter, Howard Hawks’s secretary

Trump: Donald Trump, clothed orangutan

Politically Notable For:
Hemingway: Siding with the Republicans while covering the Spanish Civil War

Faulkner: Keeping his affiliations to himself at a time of great social upheaval

Trump: Running for president to extend his brand, then at some point realizing, Oh fuck, it’s for real

Image Credit: LPW.

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