Random House parent company Bertelsmann recently announced the admirable goal of becoming carbon neutral by 2030. We here at Renewable Books applaud the initiative, though we would also like to take this opportunity to highlight our revolutionary advancements in eco-publishing.
Renewable Books prides itself on being the greenest publishing house in the world. Our books are printed domestically, we use only post-consumer waste paper, and Greta Thunberg responds affirmatively to 95 percent of our blurb requests. But that’s not all: Renewable’s devotion to the environment extends to all facets of the publishing process.
Our Offices:
Renewable’s Platinum LEED offices boast high-efficiency lighting, appliances, and plumbing, as well as state-of-the-art solar panels. A bike path directly links the downtown light rail station to our courtyard; our decorators only use low VOC paints; and the majority of our energy needs are met by our in-house publicists, who spew the hot air required to power two steam-engine generators.
Our Books:
Renewable Books publishes daring works of literary fiction, environmental noir, and composting erotica.
As we are of the opinion that the current threat posed by climate change more than justifies a principled rejection of copyright law, we actively encourage our authors and editors to recycle plots, characters, and dialogue from previously successful books.
Not Our Books:
While we value and advocate for transgressive literature, we prohibit the following material: scenes in which a car is needlessly idling; plot twists involving GMOs; any expression of lustful feelings for an offshore driller.
Editorial Philosophy:
We at Renewable Books feel that typos, misspellings, and consistency issues are vital components of a sustainable literary ecosystem, and that pencil-wielding humans should in no way tamper with the written word’s thriving biodiversity. This policy has saved us from needlessly printing millions of errata slips over the past decades.
Submissions:
To cut down on paper-wasting correspondence, our editors never confirm that an author’s submission has been accepted, even after the writers come across their published work in a bookstore.
We invite rejected authors to visit our offices, where their tears are funneled into our desalination plant to provide water for drought-stricken communities.
We only consider submissions from free-range, grass-fed writers who are permitted by their employer or MFA thesis adviser to walk outside for several hours a day.
Doing Your Part:
Being part of a green literary community means doing your part. To that end:
Renewable Books encourages readers to enjoy our books on public transport or at home with all the lights turned off.
In an effort to cut down on polluting chemicals and colorants, we have developed a patented ink-conservation technology that prints every other word of the text, omissions that you shouldn’t notice if you take our suggestion to read in the dark.
Review Copies and Blurbs:
Rather than sending galleys across the country, Renewable Books makes one copy of each book available in its offices to pre-qualified local reviewers. We ask critics to refrain from leaving marginalia and not to bother our publicists when they are busy in the steam-engine room.
E-Books:
We do not publish e-books at this time.
Sailing Ahead:
In lieu of 401(k)s, all employees—along with authors who meet certain sales figures—receive guaranteed berths aboard the Proof of Life, a seaworthy printing press built to withstand the coming flood. Sooner or later, she will set sail on the rising oceans, producing timeless works of literature for the end times.
Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons.
