Like a Fried Egg Sliding off a Fat Man’s Naked Thigh: 18 Incredible Fair-Use Similes

November 23, 2016 | 2 books mentioned 2 min read


Writing is hard. Everybody knows that. And one of the hardest things to write — and write well — are similes. So, as a public service, I’m supplying the general public with the following fair-use similes. That’s right: these are 100 percent free to use. Sprinkle them throughout your own writing — your emails, your letters, your ham-fisted dystopian romance novels — and be amazed by the lift in the overall quality of your work. You can thank me later.

1. The sun descended toward the horizon like a fried egg sliding off a fat man’s naked thigh.

2. Her smile was as wide as the Mississippi River, with none of the intractable benzene pollution.

3.They made love as frantically as a weasel trying to escape from a linen closet.

4. The child, in knee socks and culottes, was as carefree as Ed Gein before he exhumed all those corpses to make pajamas from their skin.

5. He felt as hopeless as a fishmonger at a Missouri nudist colony.

6. His love for her was as true as a correct answer on a true/false test about truth.

7. His penis stood at attention like a nervous soldier on his first day of basic training. The penis even wore a tiny camouflage helmet and, somehow, combat boots.

8. “How dare you?” he exploded, like a rotten cassava melon thrown at a passing tram.

9. The dog tilted its head quizzically, as addled as a sleepy toddler in a Yale robotics colloquium.

10. His voice cracked like an egg that would then be fried and inexplicably placed on a fat man’s naked thigh.

11. The room grew as dim as the dark side of the moon, which is also the title of Pink Floyd’s best album, and if you’re going to say Wish You Were Here is better, man, go back and listen to Dark Side. I mean, do yourself a favor and really listen to it.

12. The moment was as disappointing as arriving at the Sizzler hot bar with an empty plate, only to find that the whole damn place is plumb out of corn fritters.

13. His shoes squeaked on the tile, as distracting as a dreadlocked busker playing ska-inflected Dave Matthews covers at your great-aunt’s funeral.

14. Sadness ripped through him like that weird chest pain you always get after one too many gluten-free toaster waffles.

15. He stood tall as he glided confidently across the crowded room, like Manute Bol on rollerblades.

16. It was eerily quiet in the forest clearing, as if God himself had been all, like, “Dude, shut up, I think my parents are coming!”

17. The emotion that filled his heart was as pure as water poured from a PUR 7-Cup Water Pitcher. (This simile brought to you by PUR.)

18. Shaken, she felt as fragile as an egg that would then be cracked, fried, and inexplicably placed on a fat man’s naked thigh.

Image Credit: Pixabay.

is a staff writer for The Millions and an associate editor at MAD magazine. Find links to more of his work and follow him @Jacob_Lambert.